The end of the year

You wouldnt believe the amount of things that's been running through my mind these past two days. i couldnt even sleep well. it was just Christmas the other day and i was all cheery. should have known better than to believe that it would actually last because things change just like that. the new year isnt even here yet and i already have such a negative impression. my seniors wont be around anymore.. it'll just be the stupid school and the form that i hate being in. cant you just feel the emo-ness already? LoL. yeah, this is time where everyone reflects.. what they have and havent done. i for one realised how much i regretted something that i did, or rather didnt do. and it was over a year ago.. how slow can i be eh? i feel like crying when i think about it. ive never got over him afterall.. all i did was put him at the back of my mind and just avoid it. but its too late now anyway.. so all thats left to do is to just permanently forget. my new years resolution is to make a promise to myself to never let something like that slip away ever again. to take chances with people because if you dont you'll just end up drowning yourself in regret. to not be afraid of situations and learn to trust those around me. i really have to be more independent. i guess these are some of the weaknesses that i only just found out about. is it a little too early to bid farewell to the year 2005? oh well.. hehe. goodbye to all my regrets! goodbye to the best seniors i ever had! (im really gonna miss having you guys around school.. keep in touch!) i love you guys! GoodBye 2005!

* I feel a lot better after thinking things through and hopefully i'll mature after everything that's happened this year. so feel free to comment people! thats if ur still reading haha. :)

People

Its been freakin long since my last update. i feel i owe it to myself to update this blog once in a while. these past few months has been.. awesome i would say :) ive been having so much fun that ive been completely oblivious to the people and the things that are happening around me. i know this is weird but, it feels like a really selfish act. seems like i used to care so much, too much maybe and now i dont. so lately ive met alot of new people yeah.. and i cant help but judging this new set of people that ive met. old friendships die.. and new ones are formed. they're the same people of course.. but it feels different because i dont trust them? im not sure if its even called trust but its just different. like its just a lie and everything's fake. yeah so what if you talk to them all the time? it just feels like empty and hollow conversations. although i know that i should be very grateful for those who listen.. i feel like a burden to them cos its always one sided. it feels like "why the hell would i wanna listen to your stupid problems?" is all this supposed to be normal? i dont think that im the greatest listener or greatest friend in the world for that matter. but right now i dont believe that there is a genuine individual out there. i think we are all really fake people who pretend to be something that we're not just the please everyone, one way or another. including myself. we only see it in other people but we dont realise that we too act that way. it just seems more prominent in some. human beings just cant be trusted and are just too self absorbed to care about anything else but themselves. i guess the only one you can trust is God.

* Hopefully there's someone reading this then. happy commenting.

Confused

Its been a rather though week.. and if it hadnt be a certain someone who was there i don't think i would have made it. thanks. though, its odd that people can just appear out of nowhere and at the time you need them the most.. but at the same time is not there is not always there for you.. people that you've long forgotten and put aside. its so confusing.. everything's a blur.. they can just appear and then disappear before you know it. and i'm still searching for an answer.. i just can't seem to put my finger on it with certain people.. how their mind works, so mysterious is many ways. i cant let go of it.. as much as i dislike this person for being what he is.. i need to know why. sounds stupid i know.. but its hard to find someone that you can connect with on that level. things just have to be so hard and complicated.. i guess thats life eh? i'm frankly quite sure that he's gonna disappear again. typical. waiting is just too useless and disappointing. so whats the point? anyway moving on, i've been working at aquaria klcc and its such a nice place to work at.. hehe.. the place is awesome, the people are friendly, the wages are reasonable.. what more could you want eh? *though my feet will hurt like hell at the end of the day lol* hmm.. what people say is true.. so much can change in such a short period of time.. you'll never know when it'll hit you.

*Leave me some comments if you like.. appreciate it :)

Trust [Plagiarized]

Forgive me for plagiarism but this was just too interesting to pass up. i came across this at my friend, vannie's blog and i cant express enough how true it is. Just read it.. there's just so much truth in it.

"you see, trust is something priceless..it cannot be obtained through any other method other than EARNING it.be it by the way you treat a person, the duration of your relationship with a person or the simple chemistry between two individuals. hence, the value of owning a person's trust is plainly priceless, without question. trust is such a complex thing that it comes hand-in-hand with respect. no one, i repeat, NO ONE , has the authority to ,misuse a person's trust. it is a very VERY dishonest thing to do. doesn't the phrase 'basic human decency' even mean the tiniest thing to anyone nowadays? come on, we are all one leap away to reaching our adulthood. we're old enough to understand that our actions have their repercussions. what is worse is that if our decisions happen to hurt the people/person whom you supposedly care about. do not be a hypocrite. please, do not say that you hold a person up on a pedestal apart from others and then vandalize the foundation of trust that you both so tediously built over time. this matter is not one big joke. people's feelings do get hurt and they hurt bad. emotions invested get stamped on over one rather childish act . they leave people feeling very silly, naiive and used . why do that? why choose to do something so mean ? why spoil something with the potential of giving you timeless memories? relationships are fragile and should be treasured with nothing but utmost respect and dignity , MUTUALLY ! now, too bad we don't have a time machine ,huh?"

I've been through this.. and i know exactly how it feels to be in that sort of position. its really not very nice to misuse someone else's trust. cos once you do that, you'll have a very tough time getting it back. and well of course, you'll never know the amount of damage you've caused to that person. very hurting personally.

I'm back..

Yes i know i havent been blogging in a while.. about a month maybe? ive been way to pre-occupied lately.. its not even supposed to happen like that.. im supposed to be more laid back this year.. its form 4 for goodness sake. sigh. but i guess im not the only one.. everyone else is busy with spm etc. lately i've realised how much i need God in my life.. and i know some people may question and judge my opinions about everything having a divine purpose. ive experienced life with God and without Him *without meaning not having a good relationship with him and this has been happening on and off* and i can truly see what big a difference it can make. ive noticed the times when ive drifted apart from Him and how torn apart my life became.. ive even noticed how much of anger, resentment and bitterness ive harboured in myself throughout the past month.. and since i havent been able to express it to anyone, its just been building up.. not that i dont want to.. but for the first time, i just dont know how. there are like a million things running through my mind right now and i dont seem to be able to let it out.. the people around me on the other hand arent making it any easier for me.. i just dont understand how some people can be so inconsiderate, selfish and oblivious.. *i understand that other people have problems too but hey this is my blog so i guess im entitled to ramble about mine instead of theirs* i just dont get it. my whole life is an act. theres so much that my friends dont know about me, my family, what i go through everyday. i look and seem cheerful all the time but who knows whats really inside of me? i doubt even a handful understand me, or anyone for that matter. at this point, i dont feel like i can trust anyone. i feel like im forced to face it alone eventhough i dont want to.

* I had a bad day and thats as far as i could get.. i just might regret publishing this but

Dating issues.. who would have thought?

Well its been ages since i last updated my blog.. somehow i havent had much to blog about.. its been a busy 2 weeks of holidays. hardly felt like one actually.. its been so hectic till i think i hardly have time to even ponder or daydream much lately. Hmm.. well there is this one thing that got me to thinking. what do you guys think about people from other races dating a malay? i mean, is it really wrong to do so? then there's that whole issue about converting if you ever get married and so on and so forth. its just dating.. will it really get that serious to the point where you have to convert? you have to admit, there are parents that are totally against dating malays.. saying how it may get serious and you shouldn't get urself into it.. stressing on the whole conversion hoo-haa. you never know how serious it can get right.. so are you supposed to just totally stay away from it? or go into a relationship thinking that it would be absolutely impossible for you to ever convert?

* First of all, no offense is meant to any malays out there! i'm merely voicing out my opinions and questions. comments please! :)

It doesn't have a title

Ever notice how relationships, be it friends, family or schoolmates grow apart so easily? when you think you're getting closer to someone and beginning to understand that person, he/she does or says something that makes you feel like a total stranger to them. one minute ur having such blissful conversations and the next you find yourself totally ignoring that particular person. how is it that this kind of thing can even happen? i mean, when you find that you're finally starting to connect with that person.. all of a sudden *poof* its gone. the time spent all gone down the drain.. you find someone that actually understands you and makes you laugh.. but just never lasts.. how peculiar.. why does God make it in such a way? is it not right? how is it really supposed to be? i wonder how the Lord's mind works..

* Had a sudden urge to blog.. comments anyone?

Patience

Patience brings meaning to endurance of pain or perseverance. ever noticed how hard it is to do so? its difficult to contain our emotions when everything isn't going the way we want it to. an individual with a weak spirit tend to just show their temper or break down in tears because of pressure. all the strength that we would possibly need is God given. so why can't they toughen up and face their problems? or rather fears or insecurities? what's the use of sreaming and yelling when ur not going to do anything about it? what good could possibly come out of that? all it does is sends a negative message to the people around you. us humans are very judgemental i would say.. one wrong move and people won't even want to accociate themselves with you [i honestly think thats what our society today is like] sometimes if you actually take the time to listen to what others have to say and stop being to self-centered for once, you might find that the relationships that you have formed would take a giant leap ahead. i feel that patience and tolerance involving the two parties is crucial in any relationship. but hang on, there's always a limit to it don't you think?

* All you do is give, and most of the time you get nothing in return. except for maybe the feeling that you've done the right thing.

Bleak

I hate my blog! argh! it seems extremely boring and oh so serious.

* You can ignore this entry.. i still think the blog sucks though.

A sign

The solemness in the atmosphere
brings sight into life
these blue eyes will see
the road ahead
the long journey
pain and suffering
anger and resentment
then a sign
reads dead end
is soon to come

* I really really wanted to actually blog about something but this was all that came to me.. hope you guys don't mind.. comments are always appreciated :)

Two part entry

Time to blog.. havent been updating for abit.. i've been observing lately.. of the friends that we have around us.. regardless of whether they're girls or guys.. each and every one of them are different from the next. i wonder sometimes how miraculous it is that out of so many people in the world, they are your friends. then again.. looking at it.. how many of them can you actually call real friends? i would say most of them are just merely aquaintances.. and sometimes even ur closest friends.. the ones you trust and confide in the most end up betraying you. some of them dont even appreciate you, they just walk all over you and take you for granted. at the end of the day, i still think that God will always be the best friend you can have. He's always there for you and will never betray you in any way. speaking of God, the other day, a friend of mine told me that i was a good Christian. after that i thought, what does it even mean to be a good Christian anyway? i still don't know the answer.. i guess that doesn't make me a very good Christian afterall?

* I'm currently having writer's block.. no inspiration to write.. bleak.. comments please ;)

Who cares if it even has a title?

We, as humans, living in this tiny world that's going to come to an end very soon anyway have no significance at all. everyone complains about their problems, the trials and tribulations that they go through every single day of their miserable lives. they think they're the only ones going through it but they just dont realise that there's always someone else who's facing a bigger problem than they are. what the hell.. we as individuals think we're so high and mighty and that everything we say is important. i think that humans are egoistic and stubborn beings. we don't listen to others when they correct us, why? because we choose not to. we enjoy boasting about how good we are to others, why? because inside we feel insecure about ourselves and our position among peers or even society itself. it's human nature to rebel and we're always tempted to do so, most of us give in to that temptation. to think negatively, to blow up whenever we feel the need to, to throw curses around. it's not easy to resist temptation because it just feels so good. how many people actually have the ability and strength to overcome it?

* I'm feeling extremely depressed... don't even have a clear picture of my thoughts... comments please...

A certain emptiness

The pope passed away just yesterday... was sad cos he's been the leader of all the catholics around the world for so many years.. and his time finally came. but it felt okay though cos everyone knew that he had gone to be with the Lord. at mass, the priest said that today's mass was to be a celebration after the mourning.. why? simply because its a symbol of new life for the pope.. he need not go through all the sickness anymore and the Lord had taken him to a better place. in other words, death is not always a bad thing.. depends on how you look at it.. whether you want to be optimistic about it or rather be a pessimist. then again, if ur life was as fufilling as the pope's, death would mean that everything will soon be over and it won't be long till the time you go back to where you belong. but what if you've gone through life not knowing what ur purpose was? what God had planned for you to do? the main reason you even exist till now? life would seem pretty empty wouldn't it?

* couldn't continue.. not sure of what else to say.. comments please..

Scars

Hmm.. havent updated it in a while have i.. well, its mainly because i havent had anything i want to express lately.. let's see.. scars in ur life reminds you that the past was real.. got that from a song.. i find alot of truth in it. the past affects the future, past experiences make you the person you are today.. it can make a turn for the better or the opposite, the worst. every person leads a different type of life, and every person in some point of his/her life reaches the stage.. the stage where they reach a point where they just feel like breaking down.. running away from it all.. no matter how tough or cheerful they may seem on the outside.. it happens to every single one of us and it may be because of the things that you've done in the past or any other reason for that matter. somehow, it happens at a very unexpected time.. guess thats the life God prepared for us.. you never know what might happen next. it might happen tomorrow, next week, next month or even five years down the road. you can never tell. it even came as a surprise to me.

* I don't seem to be getting any comments lately.. whoever thats reading this blog, please leave me a comment! i wanna get ur opinions.. hehe.. but i wont be picky so anything's fine :)

p.s. i miss you yc!

Good Friday

Today's Good Friday, i thought mass felt abit different today. Somehow the solemness in the atmosphere felt good to me.. and i have no clue why. The priest spoke of Jesus' last words in his sermon today. I could relate to alot of the things that he was saying.. He also talked about the cross being a symbol of Christianity.. and the passion that Christ found. It was all relative to the sermon yesterday in which he spoke of our purpose in life.. something that we thirst and strive for.. something that drives us.. without it we're practically lost.. not many have found it.. and some never did. I myself havent found it yet.. its a mystery to most.. and i can only hope that it will be revealed to me soon. We shouldnt just look at the cross as a symbol of our faith, but instead, let it represent our life. 'Jesus of Nazarene, King of the Jews' "Father, forgive them for they do not know what they do." "Today you will be with me in paradise." "My God, my God why have you forsaken me?" "I am thirsty" "It is accomplished" "Into your arms i commend my spirit" - Jesus' last words.

* This entry is abit messy. Its bits and pieces of the sermons and my thoughts. comments please :)

to cheer things up!

izzit me or do u guys realise there is a sense of solemness in this blog??? like y is everyone so deep n profound???? ok.. so like i'm here to cheer things up a little n i wanna say that this blog is so cool n stuff!!! i hope u don't delete this as u need some spice in ur life!! ahh.. now i'm just crapping.. just wanted to see if i'm allowed to post stuff. hahahah!!!
ok.. so like i'm in love too!!! JESUS rawks my world!!!!

Issues

You know i've always wondered what we should when we've realised we like someone.. pretend you dont care when you really do and do nothing? tell him/her? wait on him/her? sigh.. kinda what i'm going through right now.. its one of the reasons i tend to avoid liking someone.. you'll probably be thinking, how weird is she? well anyway its been pretty long already and nothing's happened.. so you see, i chose to wait. stupid idea if you ask me. yet thats what chose to do.. sigh.. so lately, i've been doing some thinking and i thought.. hey, maybe i should just forget about him and move on with my life. he's not worth the wait anyway. or is he? if i forget about it, then i'll just go on living my life not knowing what he thought. frankly speaking.. i dont even know what it is about this guy that i like so much and i'm starting feel that my feelings are getting more and more serious. i think i've really fallen for him this time.. and that has never happened before. honestly, its starting to scare me a little. on the other hand, i feel our conversations are well just so.. general.. if you know what i mean. its not the type of conversations that i would enjoy having with the guy i like. i prefer real conversations.. like about things that actually matter.. not mindless conversations that just go on for ages. i seem to always ask myself, like whats the point? okay.. friendship bonding maybe.. haha.. but then again thats between friends. its like there's absolutely nothing special about relationship. just two ordinary friends who seem to be merely an acquaintance to each other. sigh.. anyone wanna tell me what to do next?
comments please ;)

Strength

The feeling that we get when we feel all alone.. with no one to turn to.. loneliness is what it is. ur surrounded by friends and family, even people whom you trust very much and feel comfortable with. yet that feeling is still there. the feeling that no one understands what ur going through. the feeling that ur life is very much different from others.. much harder. ur supposed to live ur life the best way you can but it seems to me it becomes a burden day by day. on the surface, people see you as normal. but on the inside, they have no clue about what ur going through. how you really live ur life. the pain that you go through each day. going to bed every single night just thinking about what to do about it. its just a cover up. a big lie. everyone has dark secrets.. it may look like they lead perfect lives.. but we should consider our judgements next time. you see, the more you get that feeling, the more i think you should be strong. its just satan messing with you. and ive come to realise that God will always be there no matter what. He will provide you with all that you need. all you need to do is have faith.
*Philippians 4:13

p.s. Thanks annonymous. its been right in front of my eyes all along but i never noticed it till now. and you helped me ;)

Forgive? Forget?

Forgive and forget most may say.. but can we really bring ourselves to do that? maybe the forgiving part is possible.. but what about forgetting? its kinda like, that thing that happens.. will never go away.. it will always be a part of ur life.. ur history.. it can never be erased.. i'm wondering why people even say these three words, 'i forgive you' when they know they can never forget about it. its just a lie. denial if i dare say. they're just words.. but the feeling will always linger.. and well.. do they just stay there? buried forever? or do they come back out when you least expect it to? see the thing is.. its really all up to ourselves whether we want it stay deep down in that pit or let it out. its a choice.

Questions

Difficulties.. what are they really? is it merely a word? a phrase? described as something that becomes an obstacle? something that pulls you down? why do they exist? i think they're there for a reason.. to test our strength and our faith.. but the real question is how do you overcome it.. how strong are we really?

wanderers..
what they know is sometimes..
well more than we think..
lost but aware..
aware but lost..
only time will tell..

What the hell am i writing?! sigh.. feeling a little down.. comments please..

Another day

Yet another day has passed..
another day wasted..
all hope is lost..
dreams shattered..
what are we still doing here?
unaware..
of what is yet to come..
wake up!
wake up!
reality is at our doorstep..
open our eyes..
look deep within..
and listen..

I'm really not sure what this is supposed to be.. poetry or something maybe? lol. just some of my thoughts. comments please :)

Life.. What is it really about?

My first entry.. technically my second but whatever. well this hasn't been the best week i've had.. i've basically been feeling miserable the past few days.. and i've also been rambling on about it to some of my friends. if any of you are reading this, sorry for bothering you guys.. but thanks for being patient with me as well ;) sigh.. i think life is great, full of excitement and surprises. but i've just realised that the things that happen around you are not necessarily the things you want to happen and i have to accept that. its like part and parcel of life. took me kinda long to realise that huh? and i also realised that you shldn't ask questions.. why is this happening to me? why did God even allow this to happen? what good could possibly come out of this? why do i feel so lost? yet i'm doing it. sigh.. i wonder when this will end.. i'm so sick and tired of the same thing happening again and again. its when you think that everything's fine and ur life is finally starting to go right, something bad that's out of your control happens.. and thing is, i'm starting to think its something i've done that God doesnt like and i'm getting punished for it. sigh.. one of the mysteries in life that i'll never find out. oh and i've just recalled that i have a test next week.. havent done any real studying so far cos i haven't been in the best mood.. oh what a sucky blog.. its me rambling on again. argh. i would be grateful if one person even reads this :P hopefully the next time i write i'll be in a more cheerful mood. signing off now.. comments please.. if anyone is even reading this dumb blog..

Dum di dum

Blogging... i'm new to this so i don't have much to say... for now. Lol. But anyway, i'll try and blog as often as i can and excuse the broken english please :P